The Onion (@TheOnion)

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TAURUS: The rise of Jupiter indicates that, Jesus Christ, get your goddamn finances in order already | Horoscopes: http://t.co/H8Q4bD8qs7
[American Voices] “God damn it, why does everything have to make me fat?” http://t.co/ZC31s9T02v
In Focus: Fifth Baby Barely Showered http://t.co/5u50xzarN7
Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System http://t.co/KbMtWYpcAQ
‘Our Thoughts Go Out To Oklahoma,’ Says Congressman Mentally Calculating When He Can Bring Up Benghazi Again http://t.co/CXQQ8VfHgM
24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old http://t.co/ynQc3KO1QQ
2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite Horrific http://t.co/IIBMj4Ytr2
Americans Dredge Up Last Remaining Reserves Of Grief http://t.co/IIBMj4Ytr2
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain http://t.co/K1GgVKsC4G
AQUARIUS: A backyard barbecue this week will smell a lot more fun than it actually is | Your Horoscopes: http://t.co/AJrMNhNsL4
UPDATE: Mark Wahlberg, Tara Reid, and Tim Allen's IMDB pages updated to include 'Untitled Project' | 'Fuck.' http://t.co/HqTOYE5v9y
“We’re still in May, and this thing’s already turning out to be a real soul-crusher.” http://t.co/7PFDN1u9eO
"Xbox One looks so awesome—the graphics are super realistic." – Middle-aged accountant to his prepubescent son http://t.co/KotZJ7IJEg
Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System http://t.co/N55sT7znQg
[American Voices] "That must be how Apple keeps their prices so low.” http://t.co/ZPcHakszk6
‘Our Thoughts Go Out To Oklahoma,’ Says Congressman Mentally Calculating When He Can Bring Up Benghazi Again http://t.co/PjtIxVkdvJ
The Best Of Today Now!: Fresh Roasted Cup Of News http://t.co/dBP9YfgtfI
“Take it from someone who’s been there.” – 27-year-old offering his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old http://t.co/F4scNPG7Ui
24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old http://t.co/8q1HLKCDft

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America's Finest News Source. Watch @OnionSports #SportsDome Tuesdays 8/7c on Comedy Central and Onion News Network (@ONN) Friday's 10/9c on @IFCtv
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